i cannot decide if i am ashamed of myself or if i am ok.
i cannot decide if i have failed myself or if im just beginning.
i cannot decide if i am making a mistake or if i am being brave.
i cannot decide if i care or not.

update of my life....
im done with school.
i am getting my associates over the summer and peacing out.
i have no desire for a career path, mainly because i have no idea what kind of "career" i would even want. so im going to begin the cold and tedious path of adult life.
dad was totally all for it. he even called today to see if i had talked to my advisor yet.
i guess he's done paying for me, haha.
im nervous because most of my decisions are no good, but i cant force myself through another 4 semesters just to get a degree that will only keep me in debt.
i really wanted to be scholarly and smart and a successful person.. but i guess its just not in my cards.
maybe i will go back eventually. who knows.
 
hopefully it will work out.

My time is almost up.
Amazingly... I am flat.
I am straight... and steel.
You will not break me, no,
Not yet.
I am defeated, yes.
But not broken.
I am dented and worn
And bent
And twisted
But I still hold on.
I am going in another direction
Now.
I cannot stay on this path.
I have hit a roadblock,
Impassable
Shrubbery, thorns,
Heartbreak.
Dreams are dashed all the time.
Its Life.
Make more dreams.
It's all you can do.
That's what I will do.
I can always find
Another way.

My life is a constant rollercoaster. I am doing so well, then a nuclear bomb drops onto all my progress and I am back in my little hole where I feel like the only way out is to quit trying. And it is mostly due to Dad.

i realized that i am just as much a mess now as i was back in murray.
sometimes when i visit murray, i wonder why i left. apsu is cool and all... and frankly, its not about the education. because its the same.
the only reason im still here i think is because its cheaper, and my parents would hit me.
maybe ill get the balls to figure out what i want eventually.
kyle has changed alot in the past couple of months, and it sort of hit me hard this weekend. a good change. and it made me really happy to see him maturing and letting go of stupid habits and other weird things.
i miss allie too, and the friends that i didnt realize i DID have in murray.
kyle said i didnt give murray a chance, and that i messed up bad once and then ran away because i was afraid i couldnt fix it.
terribly true.
i lie all the time and tell people that i left murray because i missed home, or because it was too expensive, or that i just didnt like it, but the fact of the matter is that i was scared to try and fix my mistake on my own. so i ran home with my tail between my legs.
actually though, i think coming home was something that was beneficial because it allowed me to be by myself for awhile and concentrate, without everyone else's opinions messing with me. in all honesty, allie and kyle are very influential people, and i am very easily influenced. so i was able to come back and focus on what needed to be focused on... which was declaring a major and getting back on track. i still have some horrible habits when it comes to work and school, but im working on them.
returning to murray is still on my mind. i think that i am going to hold off though. i mean.. it would be nice to be back. i miss the social aspect of it. but in reality, it would be utterly stupid to pay that much money to get the same education... in something that i am probably not going to find a fantstic job in (at least, at first).
also, in a more selfish light... its nice to be missed. i like going to murray and people telling me they miss me, because i dont get that.. ever.
my sister is a retard. but i think we all knew that. my grandma worries and feels so sorry for her, and all i can do is nod and grit my teeth and try to change the subject because i just cant take it. shes got them fooled, but its alright.
corey's baby is due in like.. 10 weeks?? i want to hug that boy so bad. he is in a world of hurt right now and he doesnt deserve it. neither does that poor baby. i hope somehow he can get custody of her. aggh.
im feeling this weird johnny cash mood right now.
im not in a bad mood.. im just pondering everything.
which i shouldnt do.
i wish...................... i could do alot of things.
i hope this trip to new york is good. i think brooke and i really need it.

the world hurts.

i have GOT to make some friends.

and i have GOT to go see a chiropractor.

this semester is making me a little nervous. i am going to be...very busy. VERY busy. my public speaking class wont be so bad, i dont think... but my Shakespeare class... holy cowwwwwww. im a little overwhelmed with that one. and then there is history, which wont be hard, aside from trying to stay awake. i can tell already its going to go very slowly because its a standard freshman-y class. i have creative writing in an hour, which im pretty excited about.
it is FREEZING outside, and i think kmart should be closed. but i will be at work at 3.
and AFTER work i FINALLY get to see BROOKE! im so excited.
i have made some more friends since i got here. besides katherine and alex, i met Megan last night, who is really fun and lives down the hall, then Rachel, who lives upstairs. another girl named Brooke was in here, but she was really quiet, so i didnt get to know her very well. then i met rachel's roommate, Giselle, and Megans ADPi big sister, Casey. So. Kudos to Katherine; she wasn't kidding when she said she would help me meet people. but my main concern right now is getting back to hanging out with brooke.

also. i had an epiphany in Shakespeare today... my professor, Dr. Wadia, offers a study abroad trip in the winter to London to visit all the major Shakespearean sites, along with, in his words, all the other bad ass parts of the city, with a side trip to Paris and a night of clubbing haha. But its only a few weeks, and you get credit for Eng 360E which is a class i need!! So Im totally looking into it, by starting at the CCSA place... and looking into scholarships and grants. im not going to let this slip by me... Im going to do this trip. Im already starting my planning. My heart is a little fluttery! Haha.

It is so cold in my room, that i am wearing sweatpants, a shirt, a fleece jacket, my coat, socks and shoes, and fleece blanket.
GAAH.
Also... the AP cafeteria is pretty awesome. i got a really good sandwhich for lunch in like 10 minutes.

classes start tomorrow, and kyle is coming tomorrow to visit for the day. brooke will be home tomorrow night, and then i think my life will be pretty complete.
i made a new friend today, through katherine (aka the roommate). her name is alex and she is hilarious. im hoping that by hanging out with them more, i am going to get some new friends pretty quickly. we went and ate in the UC and then came back and watched a million youtube videos. then we created some pretty awesome messages on the fridge with alphabet magnets. it sounds lame, but its really nice to have people around me again. i missed it so much. i was also thinking how much i missed allie being my roommate, because the entire time i was moving in, i was thinking "haha allie would have laughed at that" or "allie would have thought that was cute." ehhhh. oh well though. :-(
katherine is really nice though, and we became friends really fast. she is incredibly easy to get along with, and seems like she has a pretty easy going personality.
i really need to go to sleep.

i LOVE my dorm room.
just saying.