i'm looking for wisdom in all the wrong places

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 06:57:25 GMT

i cannot decide if i am ashamed of myself or if i am ok.
i cannot decide if i have failed myself or if im just beginning.
i cannot decide if i am making a mistake or if i am being brave.
i cannot decide if i care or not.

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 04:35:38 GMT

update of my life....
im done with school.
i am getting my associates over the summer and peacing out.
i have no desire for a career path, mainly because i have no idea what kind of "career" i would even want. so im going to begin the cold and tedious path of adult life.
dad was totally all for it. he even called today to see if i had talked to my advisor yet.
i guess he's done paying for me, haha.
im nervous because most of my decisions are no good, but i cant force myself through another 4 semesters just to get a degree that will only keep me in debt.
i really wanted to be scholarly and smart and a successful person.. but i guess its just not in my cards.
maybe i will go back eventually. who knows.

hopefully it will work out.

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:43:04 GMT

My time is almost up.
Amazingly... I am flat.
I am straight... and steel.
You will not break me, no,
Not yet.
I am defeated, yes.
But not broken.
I am dented and worn
And bent
And twisted
But I still hold on.
I am going in another direction
Now.
I cannot stay on this path.
I have hit a roadblock,
Impassable
Shrubbery, thorns,
Heartbreak.
Dreams are dashed all the time.
Its Life.
Make more dreams.
It's all you can do.
That's what I will do.
I can always find
Another way.

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 05:51:57 GMT

My life is a constant rollercoaster. I am doing so well, then a nuclear bomb drops onto all my progress and I am back in my little hole where I feel like the only way out is to quit trying. And it is mostly due to Dad.

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 08:56:25 GMT

i realized that i am just as much a mess now as i was back in murray.
sometimes when i visit murray, i wonder why i left. apsu is cool and all... and frankly, its not about the education. because its the same.
the only reason im still here i think is because its cheaper, and my parents would hit me.
maybe ill get the balls to figure out what i want eventually.
kyle has changed alot in the past couple of months, and it sort of hit me hard this weekend. a good change. and it made me really happy to see him maturing and letting go of stupid habits and other weird things.
i miss allie too, and the friends that i didnt realize i DID have in murray.
kyle said i didnt give murray a chance, and that i messed up bad once and then ran away because i was afraid i couldnt fix it.
terribly true.
i lie all the time and tell people that i left murray because i missed home, or because it was too expensive, or that i just didnt like it, but the fact of the matter is that i was scared to try and fix my mistake on my own. so i ran home with my tail between my legs.
actually though, i think coming home was something that was beneficial because it allowed me to be by myself for awhile and concentrate, without everyone else's opinions messing with me. in all honesty, allie and kyle are very influential people, and i am very easily influenced. so i was able to come back and focus on what needed to be focused on... which was declaring a major and getting back on track. i still have some horrible habits when it comes to work and school, but im working on them.
returning to murray is still on my mind. i think that i am going to hold off though. i mean.. it would be nice to be back. i miss the social aspect of it. but in reality, it would be utterly stupid to pay that much money to get the same education... in something that i am probably not going to find a fantstic job in (at least, at first).
also, in a more selfish light... its nice to be missed. i like going to murray and people telling me they miss me, because i dont get that.. ever.
my sister is a retard. but i think we all knew that. my grandma worries and feels so sorry for her, and all i can do is nod and grit my teeth and try to change the subject because i just cant take it. shes got them fooled, but its alright.
corey's baby is due in like.. 10 weeks?? i want to hug that boy so bad. he is in a world of hurt right now and he doesnt deserve it. neither does that poor baby. i hope somehow he can get custody of her. aggh.
im feeling this weird johnny cash mood right now.
im not in a bad mood.. im just pondering everything.
which i shouldnt do.
i wish...................... i could do alot of things.
i hope this trip to new york is good. i think brooke and i really need it.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:32:19 GMT

the world hurts.

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:46:02 GMT

i have GOT to make some friends.

and i have GOT to go see a chiropractor.

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 18:44:47 GMT

this semester is making me a little nervous. i am going to be...very busy. VERY busy. my public speaking class wont be so bad, i dont think... but my Shakespeare class... holy cowwwwwww. im a little overwhelmed with that one. and then there is history, which wont be hard, aside from trying to stay awake. i can tell already its going to go very slowly because its a standard freshman-y class. i have creative writing in an hour, which im pretty excited about.
it is FREEZING outside, and i think kmart should be closed. but i will be at work at 3.
and AFTER work i FINALLY get to see BROOKE! im so excited.
i have made some more friends since i got here. besides katherine and alex, i met Megan last night, who is really fun and lives down the hall, then Rachel, who lives upstairs. another girl named Brooke was in here, but she was really quiet, so i didnt get to know her very well. then i met rachel's roommate, Giselle, and Megans ADPi big sister, Casey. So. Kudos to Katherine; she wasn't kidding when she said she would help me meet people. but my main concern right now is getting back to hanging out with brooke.

also. i had an epiphany in Shakespeare today... my professor, Dr. Wadia, offers a study abroad trip in the winter to London to visit all the major Shakespearean sites, along with, in his words, all the other bad ass parts of the city, with a side trip to Paris and a night of clubbing haha. But its only a few weeks, and you get credit for Eng 360E which is a class i need!! So Im totally looking into it, by starting at the CCSA place... and looking into scholarships and grants. im not going to let this slip by me... Im going to do this trip. Im already starting my planning. My heart is a little fluttery! Haha.

It is so cold in my room, that i am wearing sweatpants, a shirt, a fleece jacket, my coat, socks and shoes, and fleece blanket.
GAAH.
Also... the AP cafeteria is pretty awesome. i got a really good sandwhich for lunch in like 10 minutes.

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 05:59:51 GMT

classes start tomorrow, and kyle is coming tomorrow to visit for the day. brooke will be home tomorrow night, and then i think my life will be pretty complete.
i made a new friend today, through katherine (aka the roommate). her name is alex and she is hilarious. im hoping that by hanging out with them more, i am going to get some new friends pretty quickly. we went and ate in the UC and then came back and watched a million youtube videos. then we created some pretty awesome messages on the fridge with alphabet magnets. it sounds lame, but its really nice to have people around me again. i missed it so much. i was also thinking how much i missed allie being my roommate, because the entire time i was moving in, i was thinking "haha allie would have laughed at that" or "allie would have thought that was cute." ehhhh. oh well though. :-(
katherine is really nice though, and we became friends really fast. she is incredibly easy to get along with, and seems like she has a pretty easy going personality.
i really need to go to sleep.

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 22:03:44 GMT

i LOVE my dorm room.
just saying.

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 06:39:17 GMT

tomorrow i will finally be in my dorm room. i cant WAIT. i have been in a good mood all week. except for thursday, where dad threatened to take it all back... but too late now haha. i will be there tomorrow.

and my BFF will be back on the 15th!!!

and sigma pi smoker will be on the 15th as well... but i am not sure that i am going or not.

i just ordered season 3 of the office online.

its goin to be a good semester....

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 02:56:32 GMT

im really glad that dad waited until 4 days prior to move in day to let me know that he still hadnt gotten a PLUS loan.

ehhhhhh thats life for me, as usual.

im still in murray... i hope i get back in time to see kate for a little bit.

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 09:18:33 GMT

7 days until i leave here........!

its been a really weird couple of weeks. i feel like time just flew by, and i cant really remember anything that i did. i have lost track of the days and the minutes.... and the events?? gah.

i just know that it all made my head hurt.
i spent ALOT of time with allie, which was really nice because i miss her a ton. we always had our fights and disagreements when we were living together, but man, she definitely is a friend i never expected i would find.
i also got togo to murray for new years, and saw alot of old friends. some cared that they saw me..some didnt... whatever. it was a good time. truthfully, i still consider going back. dont judge.
i also hung out with aaron hermes yesterday, with allie and her little brother sammy, and we sat around her kitchen table talking and drinking beer for 5 hours. it was awesome. then aaron fell asleep on the couch and we put shaving cream in his ear.

i talked to kyle a few hours ago and told him alot of what i was feeling. i think it will be ok... and allie gave me some really good advice. she said not to worry about whether i am going to be with him for the long run... as of today, he is my Mr Right Now, and time will tell if he will be my Mr Right Later. so i was comfortable with that.

i also made a new friend in her boyfriend, shelly/ jonathon/ whatever we decide to call him. we played catchphrase for HOURS.

my mom admitted to me that she thinks my sister wont make it in life.

i ran into nathans mom in the walmart bathroom and she was incredibly happy to see me...odd because i figured she would be the typical ex-boyfriends mother courteous. but she never really did go with the flow of the things.

i have a sore in my mouth, acne on my face, and my period is a month late. (dont get any weird ideas. im just lucky that way).

and that, my friends, is my update.

brooke comes home in like ...a week and a half. 0_0 let the insanity begin.

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 05:24:58 GMT

I downloaded the "Fun Run" episode of The Office onto my iPod last night.

Hayley and I might go to Nashville tomorrow. Like I need to spend more money. But I'm going to do it anyway.

I don't mind the Sex and the City. Its actually kind of entertaining, and I wish I could live that freely.

Should I be single?

It seems so daunting... the future. I am paying my insurance tonight for the first time. I wish I had hours at work like the Christmas season all the time. I would be just fine.

I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach.. anxiety is gnawing at me, and I cannot figure out what it is. Well.. ok. I sort of know what it is already, but maybe I am trying to work my way around it. Its this damn indecision I have about being with Kyle. I don't understand my feelings!! I mean... things will go so well, then they go sour. Not that he has done anything wrong. I just feel this extreme irritation towards him. Everything he says or does drives me up the wall. I don't want to talk to him on the phone, I don't want to tell him I love him, I don't want to hear him talk. I want to go see him though. I'm thrown for an absolute loop. And I know if he were to go away I would miss him. So what is it???

Also, I didn't ever sell my books back. Where do I even do that? Im only going to get like $30 from them. I might as well keep them for firewood haha.

Im just going to go to sleep. That often solves a good deal of my problems.

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 09:11:47 GMT

im frustrated because i cant find it in me to cry when something really moving is in front of me. or... really, just something sad. im just hardened against sadness. i cry when im angry, and i tear up when im overly happy. or when i see genuine kindness. thats what really gets me. but sadness just gets stuck in my throat, and it hurts until it melts back down.

im also frustrated because i am so annoyed with kyle. i hate hate hate that horrible uncertainty i get. things will go so well for awhile, and i will dream of things, and make ridiculous commitments and think everything will work out in the end.... then my mind reverts back to this cornered feeling and everything he says to me is like smacking a raw nerve. i cant handle it sometimes, and its not fair.

did i mention i cant wait to get out of this house??
because i definitely cant.
and this time... i wont be coming back to it. thats for sure. no more mess ups on that end.

new years is coming up and im seriously considering drinking the night away, haha. judge me if you will. it would be a nice change of pace.

the curious case of benjamin button was the most beautiful movie i have ever seen.

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 06:32:43 GMT

christmas is over....

???

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 10:29:59 GMT

ive been so busy. i feel like all ive done is work and sleep. and eat one or two meals. yikes.
64 hours between this week and last
plus trying to get in christmas and all that jazz.
got to see kate and allie finally though.
new years party soon.....
christmas tomorrow will be a lovely time. dad is back from argentina and brought me a purse LOL. and a 2 peso bill. prettttty sweet.
mom got me a whole new bed set for the dorm. green/blue comforter, green jersey sheets, yellow jersey pillow cases, funky velvet body pillow cover. haha.
carolines stomach just gurgled in her sleep.
hayley snuck a cat into her room and almost got away with it. no news yet on whether she is keeping it, but its actually a really good cat. and preciously cute. we just call it "kitty."
i think kmart is keeping me past seasonal. YES.
paychecks are awesome.
ipod nano tomorrow?????? been doing some serious music searching.
i need to clean my nasty fish tank.
merry christmas everyone.

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 08:46:35 GMT

work was fine, kyle is here, my grandparents are here, and there is food.

we did early christmas. kyle got me a teeny coffee maker, the COMPLETE works of Dickinson, Whitman, and Frost, 2 little leather notebooks, and a DIY gingerbread house made of wood... which is a weird story.
my grandparents got me a body pillow. YESSSS. and amazing pj bottoms, and slipper socks that closely resemble sheep.

im all hyped up. kyle and i are going to the dump tomorrow and then have nothing else to do.perhaps i will introduce him to kate.
ugh.
:-D

i mailed brookes christmas present yesterday!!!!!!

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 09:18:16 GMT

I was writing in my REAL journal earlier, and I found this wonderful quote from a book I read awhile back called In the Hope of Rising Again. Which was actually not one I enjoyed. Except for this quote:

" It didn't come out of the sky. It came from him, or he suggested it first, and it cropped up between us, and we decided to take it. But we never could study it well enough - I remember thinking that. It was ours but we couldn't compare it to anything. It was all we had. You can't turn away from it, though. There's nothing better than love, whatever kind."

Anyway.

I'm seriously considering being a girl's camp counselor this summer. I think it would be a wonderful solution to my fears of having to return back home... not to mention, it would be paid, and in the BEAUTIFUL outdoors of North Carolina. Of course, the only downside would be that I would only get 3 days off the whole time, from May 31 - Aug 31... and they would not be consecutive, so I would not be able to go home at all... and there would naturally be limited cell phone use, and virtually no internet.
The pro's are it would be away from home, a chance to do something different... it would be outdoors, in the mountains, in the WOODS...which I love, because I am not the average girl apparently, and I would get to hang out with kids all day and teach them crafts and go swimming and hike and be goofy all day. They even asked what skills you would be able to offer, and creative writing was a choice!! And so was archery, which would be awesome... even though I'm incredibly rusty. Anyway, I am definitely sending in the application. Why not, right?

Brooke is gallivanting across Europe right now, and I'm extremely jealous.

I spent my day cleaning the crap out of our house, then trucking 13 year old's all over God's green earth, then baby sitting them at Chuckie Cheese for 2 hours... to come home and listen to them scream and run around while I tried to help my mom cook for everyone who is showing up tomorrow. Or today. They are still screaming, in case you were wondering.
Do I still want kids? That is to be decided.

Also, dad left for Argentina today. I told him to bring me back a peso. Then, if Brooke will bring me a kronor, my foreign currency collection can begin!!

I am so lame.

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 04:47:04 GMT

studying = not happening. yet.
i totally winged my Bio final and did pretty well. i will have a B in the class.
dad called that guy last night and told him to never speak to me again. and then he bought me Mace for my purse. lol.
i still have to be walked to my car tomorrow night though.

man... my dad.. sometimes he just totally outweighs all the good things he does.

and my sister has the stomach virus. which i WILL NOT get. the disinfection begins.

BORED. took this from emily.
1. The love of my life:
2. Where you and I met:
3. Take a stab at my middle name:
4. How long you've known me:
5. The last time that we saw each other:
6. Would I ever go sky diving?:
7. Your first impression of me upon meeting me/seeing me:
8. Am I funny?:
9. My favorite type of music:
10. Can I sing?:
11. The best feature about me:
12. What do I want to do more than anything?:
13. What is one thing that you think I should do?:
14. Do I have any special talents? If so, what are they?:
15. Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else?:
16. Have you ever hugged me?:
17. My favorite food:
18. Have you ever had a crush on me?:
19. If there was one good nickname for me, it would be:
20. Your favorite memory of me:
21. If you and I were stranded on a desert island, I would bring:
22. Do I believe in God?:
23. Who is my best friend?:
24. Will you repost this so I can fill this out for you?:

why my brain feels like a wet towel.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 06:28:04 GMT

exams.
stalker at work. who gave me his number. he's 40.
anxiety.
give me give me attitudes and the depletion of the original christmas spirit that no one seems to remember.
the fact that i know 4 thirteen year olds with blackberry phones.
my mother never being my mother.
my father realizing my mother doesnt love him.
my sister's....existence.
the lack of anything spiritual in my life.
anxiety.
my goals?? or lack thereof?
teenagers in general.
the aging of my grandparents.
kyle. dont make me plan ahead.
the fact the i have to plan ahead.
a coworker asking me why i am so nice to people who come through my line.
i cant find any of my clothes. such as my favorite sweatpants.
anxiety.
the movie the strangers. ughhhh.
dad going to argentina.
seeing other moms and doing mental comparisons. then feeling bad about it. then not caring.
knowing that i should be grateful for what i do have, yet somehow feeling cheated all the same.
acne.
pills.
self pity.
next year.
next week.
next semester.
dont hate me please.
i dont mean to give you such an ultimatum. i didnt want to give you one more stress. just understand that i dont have any other choice.
not having choices.

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 06:22:56 GMT

ok. so i was a little dramatic. sorry. i just....AGGGH. i cannot understand what makes me so vulnerable to constant hatred from my OWN FAMILY. i cannot even begin to describe what happened yesterday. but it really pushed me near the edge. so i left for murray, because its the only place i can go to and feel relaxed. kyle just lets me chill out and do my own thing, and its wonderful.

i have so many new problems now. im freaking out.

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 22:59:00 GMT

if i dont get out of this house, i will kill myself. end of story.

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 04:26:50 GMT

MY FACE LOOKS AND FEELS LIKE BUTT.

and im frustrated beyond the measures of life.

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 03:37:23 GMT

paper done... classes done soon...
oh man.

today was good... sort of.
i slept so heavy last night that i barely woke up in time for class. turned in my paper, got the review for my Eng2030 essay exam, deposited my $1000 and a 20 in the bank (wow) got Arby's and went home and fell asleep again. opted to NOT go to my Bio lecture... eh. i think my new medicine is giving me stomach problems because... its been nasty. i sound like an old lady. "my pills give me the gas!" haha. anyway.
i got some clearance sweatpants, underwear and a top on AE.com because it was FREE SHIPPING day and I had 20% off :-D
also, got a letter from brooke.

now im considering going downstairs to eat a bagel and cream cheese... or go to the gas station and getting like 20 sprites. ahh i miss murray and fast track... getting what i wanted without technically using money.

christmas cards are getting started tonight as well.
i am putting my 2 christmas cds in my car tomorrow.

class at 11:10... work from 1-7.

cha cha cha.

EDIT: I got my room assignment!!!! It was online, and I randomly decided to check it. Im in Sevier Hall, room 118, and my roommate is Katherine Worsham. According to Facebook, she is friends with Kelsey Kemmer, Kacey Porter, Brian Balthrop, and Courtney Berg. So at least we have that in common!